When it is time to prioritize your personal life over your professional demands ..

By | Raja Jamalamadaka | Industry speaker | Neuroscience coach | Marshall Goldsmith awardee | Author | LinkedIn Top voice | IIT | Harvard

For years, I had been accustomed to a few routines with my kid –

1.      For the fear of being trapped in any enclosed space, he always expected me to accompany him everywhere – inclduing his frequent rest room breaks.

2.      Almost every online purchase made by me needed him to “sign-off” – he pressed the final purchase button.

3.      He expected me to see him off to the school bus every day in the morning.

4.      Before going to bed, he expected me to spend some time with him listening to his fantasies and school adventures.

5.      He expected me to participate in his childish pranks – from dancing and singing to enjoying his games.

6.      He expected me to drop him off to his play routines and to come back to pick him up – he didn’t want to travel unattended by escalators.

7.      He vetted every single decision (including the choice of a pencil or picture for a school assignment) with me.

At the time, my hectic profession meant I sometimes didn’t have enough time to spend on some of these activities. Shamefully, I admit that I sometimes participated in these activities somewhat mechanically and sometimes reluctantly. Often, I accompanied my son albeit while on my phone on a business call (That my business stakeholders rarely liked background noise on calls made it even more difficult for me). I sometimes longed to see my son grow and mature.

Some time back, I observed something unusual. My kid no more expected me to accompany him to his play – he felt comfortable going by himself. It felt great – right in the midst of my business calls, this was an activity I hoped I didn’t have to attend to. Within ten days of this, another miracle happened. My confident son no more wanted me to see him off in the morning – I was again happy. It gave me some free time for myself first thing in the morning. Within a few days, he felt confident enough to travel everywhere by himself. However, in the midst of all this exciting news, I noticed something else. My son no longer shared his school pranks or his fantasies with me – he perceived this to be too childish an act. Soon, another bout of confidence set in. He didn’t feel the need to vet every decision with me – he made his own decisions.

In a matter of a few months, my son had mastered all the above areas and my time commitment to him came down to near zero. I got TWO hours a day free for myself.

Given how busy a professional I was, did I experience exhilaration?

Surprisingly, no. I soon realized that I missed my son’s talk. I actually loved his childish fantasies – I unwittingly forgot my stress in the process. Unbeknownst to me, I actually looked forward to the experience of me holding my son’s tiny fingers in my hand while dropping him off to school – it was the most loved moment of the day. Dancing with him looked childish – but it gave me moments of physical exercise I much cherished. His online sign-offs of each purchase gave me some precious time to review my purchases and avoid the impulsive ones. In fact, my son’s expectations of me weren’t a drain on my time- they were the tonics that kept me grounded and in emotional check.

Yes, I was proud that my son had come of age. I was proud he had become independent. Yes, I got a lot freer time for myself. But did I want it? Perhaps, yes, but what I lost in the process was a lot more. I was time-rich but experience-poor. I now longed for the very experiences that I hoped weren’t part of my life just a few months prior. My son had grown way too fast for me.

Sometimes, you wish for something. When you get it, you no longer want it especially in the form in which it is presented to you – but you have no choice but to accept it.

I soon realized that a lot of busy professionals are like me. Balancing hectic professional schedules (compounded by travel) with demands of personal life is difficult even for the most seasoned of professionals. So what’s the way out? Discussions with several coaches, mentors and industry veterans revealed to me that there are times when you have to prioritize your personal life. This is because while your profession will persist, your personal life will change a lot – and way too quickly for you to recognize. Before you know, your kids would have matured – and that is a permanent change. No amount of longing will bring them back to their childish state – you experience that just once in life. If you missed it, you missed it for good. Secondly, you will retire from your professional life one day – that’s unlikely in your personal life. You definitely dont want to regret missing those golden moments of personal life.

Don’t every feel guilty if your personal priorities take the front seat in your life at certain points. If anything, strive for it. Bronnie Ware, the Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives, noted these top five regrets of the dying people –

1.    I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2.      I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3.      I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4.      I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5.      I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Is there anything on profession on that list?

The greatest learning for me from my experience with my son was that I didn’t have to wait all the way till old age to recognize the golden truths listed by Bronnie. So, if you are still in doubt and feeling a sense of guilt while prioritizing your personal life, DON’T. Just go ahead and 

“Organize your professional life around your personal life (and not the other way round that most of us are usually accustomed to). Your short-term professional worries will be replaced by long-term life fulfillment .” 

I would love to hear your views. Please leave a comment in the comment box below so I can learn from your experience.

Republished with permission and originally published at Raja Jamalamadaka’s LinkedIn